Every 18 minutes someone accidentally kills another person — with a car, a gun, or by making an error on the job.
When we read or hear about the victims of these tragedies, we have empathy for them and for their loved ones.
But do we feel the same about the person who contributed to the unintentional death?
Karen McKenna of Yarmouth recalls the driveway moment she had while listening to NPR in 2023.
What caught her attention was an obituary about Maryann Gray, an educator and social psychologist who, decades earlier, struck and killed an eight-year-old boy when he darted in front of her car on a rural road.
"I was not driving recklessly, and Bryan was just being an exuberant kid. Although the justice system absolved me of any legal responsibility, I blame myself for his death. For 25 years, I've thought of Bryan every day."
Gray wrote that in a letter she read aloud on NPR in 2003 after an 86-year-old driver unintentionally accelerated and crashed into a crowd at a farmers' market in Santa Monica, California. He killed ten people and injured dozens more.
In her letter, Gray said that her heart went out to the victims of the tragedy as well as to the driver. It was the first time she publicly shared her own experience. She expected to receive hate mail but instead listeners wrote to express support. It became another pivotal moment in her life.
Over the years, Gray spoke about holding herself accountable while also learning to forgive herself. She embraced compassion and became an advocate for those who cause unintentional harm. She also created a website for what she called "the club nobody wants to belong to."
"Lawyers advise us not to talk and most of us feel too guilty to ask for help. We hide in our homes and grieve," she wrote.
Some people engage in self-blame and self-harm. Gray never had children because she worried that she wouldn't be able to protect them. But she was able to find joy again.
Karen McKenna is sorry that she didn't learn about Gray before her passing. But she said she relates to her story for a couple of reasons.
"When I was 25 I was driving to work...and I was probably going a little bit fast...and I hit black ice. And I can never forget sliding towards a school bus stop full of oblivious little children playing on a snow bank and their moms standing there with their coffee mugs in their hands."
McKenna said she knew she couldn't live with herself if she struck those children and their moms. She very nearly crashed into the bus stop but said at the very last moment, landed her car in a ditch.
"You know, I was just lucky...We're all kind of going around just lucky and just a moment away from having something happen that has irreversible repercussions."
That something irreversible did occur, though, to McKenna's husband, James. She describes him as a sweet, funny, unassuming guy who loved art history, surfing and hanging out in the backyard with his family. James was killed in 2020 in a workplace accident in Maine leaving behind McKenna and their two sons.
"It was a traumatic loss," McKenna said. "You know, a perfectly healthy man went to work and didn't come home. He had plans for that evening and the next day and the next 20 years together."
Under the terms of a legal settlement, McKenna is unable to discuss details of what happened to James who was experienced and well-liked at his workplace. She said after her initial shock and grief her thoughts turned to the employee who made a mistake while working with her husband on the job that day. He's a young man, a father and she hopes he knows he's not alone, that there are thousands of other people in his shoes.
"I know he probably lives with a lot of pain and difficulty...but I just don't think it's necessary for people to suffer, you know, when this is something that often is completely unavoidable," she said.
McKenna has never spoken to the man. She's not sure what she could say without causing more distress. All she knows is that he shouldn't have to pay for a terrible mistake for the rest of his life.
Maryann Gray shared that view. Before her death she'd been working on a handbook for survivors in collaboration with an Episcopal priest. The NPR obituary mentioned that the book, titled "Accidental Killing" would be coming out in 2024. So McKenna made a note to herself to get her hands on a copy.
It was published late last year.
Recently, Karen McKenna delivered a copy to the Yarmouth Library and to the library in the town where her husband died. She's determined to raise awareness for people who may not know where to turn.
"There's nothing like this in our collection," said Yarmouth Library Director Heidi Grimm when McKenna showed up with the book. "That's why I was so excited when you first talked about bringing it here and would we accept it?"
The book contains tips, exercises and prompts for discussion and self reflection. Rev. Chris Yaw is its co-author who met Maryann Gray after he unintentionally caused someone's death. She invited him to write for her blog. He encouraged her to start a foundation. Yaw said they became good friends. And then he pitched her the idea of co-writing the handbook.
"There are a lot of memoirs out there," he said. "There are a lot of chapters of books to talk about this, but there's not a handbook for somebody who's been through this, or for somebody who's whose loved one has been through this, and to explain and unpack what it's like to go through this. So she said, great idea, and we both started writing it."
Gray died of complications from a medical procedure before the book was published. But before her death she and Yaw also created the Hyacinth Fellowship, a support group for people who have unintentionally killed or seriously injured others.
"We try to point our fellowship members in the direction of helping others. Very often we find a cessation or at least a reduction in our own pain when we can help other people," Yaw said.
In Greek mythology, the hyacinth is a flower that bloomed after a Spartan prince was accidentally killed by the god Apollo who loved him and grieved his loss. Among other things, it's a symbol of transformation. And that's one of the takeaway messages of the book: that it is possible to recover.
In the book's afterward, Yaw writes that "You are not you're worst mistake...You can, like a hyacinth, grow into something more beautiful than you think."
For McKenna, losing James has been "beyond description." But she says being both compassionate and forgiving feels like right thing to do and the best way to honor the memory of her late husband.
On Monday, May 19 at 1:30 p.m., she'll join Rev. Chris Yaw at the Curtis Memorial Library in Brunswick for a discussion about the book, "Accidental Killing," about resources available and about their personal experiences.
"Just having more pain in the world does not do a thing for anybody," McKenna said. "The thought that this can contribute to some healing will do a lot more to help me than anything else, I think."
